Musings of a Bittersweet Phase of My Life

There is a sun and a black hole inside of me. Both are having an effect on me from time to time. Both are beautiful in their own right. Both have their purpose and meaning in my life. Without one, life would be incomplete.

Blackhole was quite active during my college years. I would listen to hard rock and metal songs, scream and growl, write poetry on nothingness, just observe the sunset living alone in a room on the roof, and talk to myself, not sharing what was going on with me with others.

In a way, it was a good phase. I was closer to my real self though sometimes I had to wear a mask and I hated it.

I remember sometimes I felt like screaming really loud even in the Metro or public areas and that too for no reason at all. Sometimes I would get so intimidated and bewildered looking at the swarms of people coming in and out of the Metro. The sight of so many people going to the Office to a dreaded 9 to 5 job scared me.

And sometimes, I would want to stay completely silent for no reason at all even at weddings, functions, and public gatherings. But I found that people could not stand it. They started asking and showing their ‘legitimate concerns’ – Oh, what happened? Why are you so silent? What’s wrong with you?

To avoid answering these irritating questions I started pretending and making faces, putting on a smile like everything is ‘normal’.

It has been a feature of my life that I have pretended to be ‘normal’ whereas, according to me, to be ‘abnormal’ was really ‘normal’ for me. And whenever I got the chance, I wholeheartedly embraced abnormality and reveled in it.

I feel and have become so much different now. I am more extroverted, and less shy now. I listen to melodious, mellifluous, calming songs now. I meditate and practice gratitude. It is like the black hole has receded to the background and the sun has come out.

Mind you, the black hole still shows up on some days. It is and will remain an integral part of my life.

I hope there comes a day when the sun merges with the black hole and a totally new form of being arises in me. Let me name it Musonova!

There will be bliss that day, equanimity permeating the whole body.

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One thought on “Musings of a Bittersweet Phase of My Life

  1. beautifully articulated,
    Did you ever wondered the role of Jupiter in our lives 🙂
    It doesn’t orbit the sun’s center — it orbits a spot in empty space between it and the sun called the barycenter. This is because the sun doesn’t just exert gravity on Jupiter — Jupiter’s so big that its own pull affects how the sun moves, too.
    I like the way you have expressed the black hole and sun in your life and I believe some others will have some other metaphor to express the similar storms of emotions.
    The Jupiter is one of the planet because of which life is possible on earth and and the human life has the potential to be aware and go beyond.

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